Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise),
“that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Ephesians 6:1-3 ESV

Today was definitely one of those days. One child started whining seconds after waking up this morning, two others have been fighting and picking on each other nonstop, someone reached a new high on the selfishness scale, two didn’t want to eat lunch, my youngest got disciplined a number of times for playing in the potty water …  the list could go on. Needless to say, I am tired. Today I miss those days before we had children, when I actually had time to brush all of my hair, when I didn’t have to take a shower hoping all of my children would still be alive when I got out, and when I had time to actually do something besides cleaning and disciplining. Being a mom is HARD.

A while back I was struck by Romans 12:1 which says “present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” It is fairly simple to open your home up for an evening and have people over, or to spend an hour a week helping those who are less fortunate than ourselves. We should do all of those things but if you want to truly be a living sacrifice have a baby. As a parent you are not simply giving up an hour or two a week for someone else. You are giving up your life for another, taking care of them: training, teaching, admonishing, encouraging, and hopefully always shepherding them towards Jesus. This is part of your spiritual service of worship.

What better picture is there of a living sacrifice? We are often discouraged and obsessed about the physical marks pregnancy leaves on us. Don’t be. Christ carries his scars joyfully because they are the marks of redemption ( Luke 24). They are a sign of his excessive love for another, for us.

And don’t get discouraged when you think of the long list of things you feel you still need to teach or correct in your children. In Ephesians 6:1-3 Paul tells us what we should focus on. Paul is speaking directly to children in these verses which means as parents we really need to pay attention here and teach them to our kids, maybe even help them to memorize them.

So, what are children to do?

1. They are to Obey

Some would say that obedience is to do as you are told, right away, all the way and with a happy heart. But it is equally important for a child to learn that this is what God has called them to do at this stage in their lives. It is their mission, to glorify God in their obedience to you. If we command obedience without connecting it to the glory of God the consequence is, at best, empty moralism that cannot last, or worse, a budding legalism.

2. They are to Honor

Honoring parents means that a child respects them because of their position and authority. It is often most clearly seen in the way a child speaks to his mom or dad. When a child yells at her parents, tells them what to do, or says “no” when asked to do something, she is being disrespectful, dismissing the authority placed over her by the Lord. Make no mistake, a child’s dismissal of a parent’s authority translates to a dismissal of God’s authority.

Why focus on these two?

What I love about these verses is that Paul also tell children why they are to behave in this manner.

1. Because it is right

Obedience to and honoring parents is right because it is God’s way. And doing what is right leads to peace. Not doing what is right leads to dissatisfaction in life and ultimately destruction (Gen. 4:6, 7).

2. So that it will go well with them

There are a number of ways in which this is true. When children obey things go well with them by not having to experience discipline and by being able to receive special privileges. Obedience and respect certainly make family outings much more enjoyable. No one wants to go to the zoo with a child who is constantly running away and who argues with you every time he doesn’t get his way. Ultimately, the character quality of honoring their parents builds for them a solid reputation.

3. That they will live a long life

Paul’s point here is that children who walk in righteousness, who obey the wisdom of their parents and follow God’s direction for them generally live a life of peace and it keeps them out of trouble. For example children who stay away from drugs because they trust and respect their parents do not have to worry about the misery that comes from drug addiction or premature death. This means, as parents, we have to be make sure we are worthy of respect, that we draw our wisdom from the word of God, that we rely on God through prayer and that we are truthful towards our children.

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.” Proverbs 3:1-2

“Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good?” 1 Peter 3:13

Don’t get overwhelmed with all the things you feel you need to teach your kids before they leave home. Focus on teaching obedience and respect to your children so that it will go well with them and with the children they may someday be blessed with as well.

The topic of parenting is huge. Below I have listed some of my favorite parenting books that contain a lot of practical advice.

Looking to Jesus,

Jen

Digging Deeper

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp

Instructing a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp

Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel

Don’t Make Me Count To Three by Ginger Plowman

Give them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick

Everyday Talk by John Younts

Teach Them Diligently by Louis Priolo

A Mother’s Heart by Jean Fleming

Get Out Of My Face by Rick Horne (for those who have teens)

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp (for parenting teens)

The Godly Family (A collection of essays from 17th and 18th century pastors on the duties of parents and children)

The Proposal

    …. and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33

Have you noticed that in many of our television shows the husband is portrayed as inept if not an outright fool? From The Flintstones, to Married with Children, to The Simpsons, to Home Improvements and Phineas and Ferb one could draw the conclusion that the least respectable and capable person in any home is the husband or father.

The idea of respecting authority, let alone one’s husband, seems very Victorian. We don’t respect authority, we undermine it. We don’t listen, we speak our minds. But Paul is emphatic on this issue (1 Peter 3:2), and calls for wives specifically to “respect their husbands.”

To respect your husband means holding him in esteem because of his position and character, and honoring him in private and public.

Why is respecting our husbands important?

There are two reason why I  believe Paul emphasizes the need to show respect to our husbands: 1) men have a built in need for it, and 2) women are often slow in giving it.

So, Paul is pushing us where we need it. While a wife may love and remain committed to her husband, she may lack respect for him because of his shortcomings. For example, often times a wife will disrespect her husband by openly complaining about a lack of leadership in the home. While it is his responsibility to lead well, a wife’s disrespect only makes the matter worse. It neither helps him (which is what wives are called to do – Genesis 2:) nor makes for a happy home or marriage.

You see, we are called to respect our husbands whether we feel like it or not. It is a command, and a ministry that God has given to us. We are called to show respect because it is right, and because it produces fruit. It is not our calling to merely focus on what our spouse is or isn’t doing, but on how we can help our husbands be who God has called them to be. This means that you should show respect to your husband even when he fails. Think about it, a husband is called to love his wife whether she is being godly or difficult. Nancy Wilson asks the question, “Do you only want to be loved when you are being lovely?” I am positive we would all say “no”.

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 12:4

Do you want to be considered a disease in the life of your husband? When you disrespect him it is like a disease that eats away at his strength and causes discouragement.  It tears him down and saps his motivation. As wives we have the power to build or destroy. Our words and attitudes matter. They can make the difference in the man you love; in the man you are called to partner with in life!

What does respect look like?  How can we obey the commands of Scripture practically? Here are a few ideas.

Things NOT To Do

1. Don’t Go Off in Public

While you may not physically tear down your house, you can tear your home apart with your tongue, even when you are not at home. Do not share your husband’s shortcomings, failings, or poor decision making with anyone (and don’t try to sneak it into a prayer request). This public form of disrespect will only encourage others to think less of him, and maybe even less of you as well.

The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 14:1

2. Don’t Go Off in Private

Don’t talk to  your husband in a rude, condescending, or mean tone of voice. No one is perfect, not you and not him. We all fail, and while we need to address failure, there is a big difference between heckling and helping. Instead of eye rolling, nagging or mocking him, seek to constructively and biblical address the problem. Also remember that we are called to be self controlled with our words and with our tone.

Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
Proverbs 16:24

3. Don’t make yourself the boss.

Whether you are thinking about leading a Bible study group, buying new furniture, having another baby, or changing your children’s schooling, talk to you husband first. God made him the head of the household (Eph. 5:22), which means as a way of respecting his authority we should run things by him before we make major and even some minor decisions.

Things To Do

1. Praise Him
In private and public, wherever he succeeds. Men need this. For example, if he held onto his temper during a particularly trying moment, let him know that you noticed and that it was great. Let him know that his hard work at his job are noticed by his family.

2. Pray for him
How do you feel when someone tells you that they have been praying for you? Good, right? Pray for your man and let him know. Send him an e-mail or call him just to tell him that you prayed for him and his day.

3. Encourage him
God has given you the most influential position in the life of your husband. This means you need to speak up to help him see what he might be missing. But, to do this effectively requires a “voice” that he can hear. When he fails, acknowledge the failure with care and point to a better way. You have to use the proper tone of voice, wisdom in your timing, and know what the best way to approach your husband is.  If you point out his failure the second it happens with a harsh, holier-than-thou attitude, I guarantee you the conversation won’t go well.

4. Work hard
Be a hard worker.  A lazy woman disrespects her husband by virtue of remaining idle. Stay at home moms especially need to make sure that their husbands can go to work and not have to worry about what may or may not be going on at home. He has full confidence in her abilities, time management and godly work ethic.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:11-12

Respect can actually equip a man. Respect will encourage him and bless the whole family. May God give us the grace to live as he has called us, that we might help our husbands.

Looking to Jesus,