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For a little over a year my husband and I had tried to get pregnant. We had seen countless friends start having families of their own and we couldn’t wait until it was our turn. In 2005 it finally happened and we couldn’t have been more excited. I fell in love with my child instantly! At the time my husband, Dirk, and I had been married for 6 years. (we dated for 5.5 years) He was in his 2nd year of residency and I was teaching in a nearby school district. From the time the pregnancy test came back positive, I was determined to be the best mom I could possibly be. I ate all the right foods, only drank water, exercised…..you name it, if it was good for my baby I was doing it!
Weeks went by slowly and I couldn’t wait for the first appointment where I could finally see my little munchkin. The anticipated day finally arrived and I remember Dirk and I driving to the appointment chatting up a storm about what it will be like to be parents and how our lives would change.
The memory of that appointment is forever etched in my mind. I remember excitedly giving the nurse all the information she was asking, “Yes, I am 10 almost 11 weeks pregnant. Yes, this is my first pregnancy etc.” I don’t know if it was just me or not, but I felt the nurse was as giddy as I was. Finally the long awaited time came for the sonogram. I had already planned on how I was going to share the baby images with family and friends, and then it happened.
A storm began to brew.
The once excited sonogram technician became very quite. The screen that had once been turned in my direction was now turned to face only her. Then the doctor was called in. Dirk and I were informed that a heartbeat could not be found and that I would miscarry our first baby.
To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement.
As giddy and talkative as I was heading to the appointment, Dirk and I drove home in complete silence…except for the sound of my tears. I was crushed. The waves of my storm were getting larger and larger.
After a few days it was recommended that I have a D&C. I didn’t want it. The thought of choosing to have my child leave my body nearly broke my heart in two. I cried the morning of the appointment. I cried as the nurse and doctor wheeled me into the operating room and I continued to cry when it was all over.
“Why Lord? Why have you allowed this to happen to me?”
Fear began to grip my heart. I feared that something was wrong with me. I feared that I would never be able to have children.
And then the loneliness began to set in. Though I was told having a miscarriage was common, none of my personal friends had experienced one.
I felt alone in my pain.
Dirk, was also experiencing his own heartbreak. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about losing our baby, he didn’t want to talk. I found out years later that he born the guilt of our loss. For some reason, he felt just as responsible because he was a doctor. Even though he knew medically there wasn’t anything he could have done, the weight of our loss pressed down heavily on his shoulders.
I couldn’t imagine the pain of my loss getting any worse…..but it did.
One week from the day I had found out I lost my first child, my brother told my husband that he and his girlfriend were unexpectedly expecting.
And my storm of loss began to rage.
Tears, heartbreak, anger and sadness began to wash over me like crashing waves.
I felt for the first time in my life that God was cruel.
How else could you explain the timing of events? Was God not in control of everything? Then why did He allow this to happen to me?
I literally cried out to God, “Was I not hurting enough, Lord?
I remember driving on my way to work and the song, “Held” by Natalie Grant would come on……I could barely listen to it. Honestly, some days I didn’t, I just turned the radio off.
But like the disciples in Luke 8, I turned to God in my heartbreak. As strange as this may sound, I took comfort in the fact that everything that happens in my life has to first go through His hands. And if He allows this pain and heartache, then I had faith He would make something beautiful out of it.
There was reason for the pain.
I chose to remember His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8)and that Jesus sees the whole picture, where I only see a fragmented part of it.
You see, Jesus never allows us to go through a storm alone. He was right there with me. He saw every tear I cried and held me as He began to heal my heart.
And just like I said in today’s video, I believe God has a purpose for the storms we go through. As we move forward in obedience through our storms, with Jesus by our side, there are people who God wants us to reach by sharing our own “storm testimonies.” There are people on the other side of the storm who need to hear how Jesus calmed the waters or calmed His child in the midst of the raging winds and waves.
“Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.”- Jesus (Luke 8:22)
Jesus knew the storm was coming….yet He continued to get into the boat and head to the other side of the lake. Why? He knew there were lives on the other side that needed changed.
Who can you give encouragement or hope to today by sharing one of your “storm stores?” Don’t keep your testimonies to yourself, give hope and extend encouragement by sharing your stories with others!
My first child was to be born August 20th, 2005……
And as only God can, 6 years later He blessed me with my 3rd daughter on August 16th, 2011.
(Her due date was suppose to be August 20th)
Here is a picture of my sweet nephew, who is such a blessing in my life and a wonderful cousin to my girls, and my youngest daughter, Brinnley.
God indeed…
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”- Psalm 147:3
Walk in obedience my sweet friends with Jesus through your storms. Remember, there is purpose for the storm and there are people we need to reach “on the other side of the lake.” We are not alone. Jesus is in the boat with us.
Week 8 Challenge: Record one “storm story” this week in a notebook or card and share it with someone. You never know who needs to hear your story of God’s faithfulness today!
Love God Greatly!
Note: Stay tuned for a NEW web design and details about our upcoming Bible study!!!
Week 8 Reading Plan:
Digging Deeper Resources:
John MacArthur
The Manic Who Became a Missionary, Part 1
The Manic Who Became a Missionary, Part 2
Jesus’ Compassionate Power, Part 1
Jesus’ Compassionate Power, Part 2
John Piper
Take Care How You Listen! Part 1
Take Care How You Listen! Part 2
Week 8 Memory Verse:
Week 8 Memory Verse Links:
KJV – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
KJV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NIV – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NIV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NKJV – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NKJV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NLT – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NLT B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
Interested in the next bible study after Luke.
Thank you,
Amanda
I can relate to your storm story. I had 3 miscarriages in 2012. All 3 happened in the 8th week. I went to see a specialist and she couldn’t find anything that would cause this. So when I got pregnant for the 4th time in 2012 I saw my OB early and she took a lot of blood tests. We found I needed to be on blood thinners!! I already have 2 children and never had to do anything like this. Both were very normal and healthy pregnancies and births. I even had my second child in a birthing center. So when I was going through all those miscarriages I was asking God why and then wondering if there was something terribly wrong with me. It caused me to lean on Him more last year. My oldest who is 7, knew about the first 2 because we were so excited we couldn’t keep it from her. After the second miscarriage, on the following day, my daughter said to me, “Mom! Now I have 2 brothers or sisters in heaven!” I just started crying and kissing her all over her face. Her perspective was so much more open and happy than mine.
I am currently due July 27th and I couldn’t be happier! I think about the 1st miscarriage and how that baby would have been due in October and this wave of relief comes over me because there is no way I would have been ready. Everything is in God’s timing and I feel that I am a true testimony to that! God knows what we can handle and what we can’t. Miscarriages happen for a reason. They don’t seem like it at the time, but they are a blessing in a way.
God is protecting us!
Oh Ang – what a beautiful post. I remember our phone conversation when you realized the baby was gone…I was so shocked and had NO words. I felt awful when we hung up because you have always been my big encourager and now the shoe was on the other foot and I needed to encourage you but I didn’t know how. I’m so thankful God has blessed you with 3 beautiful girls and a sweet nephew! God is good. I loved the message of your video too (and your hair
)
Love you girl!
Courtney
Oh Angela,
Thank you for being so obedient to share what God has laid on your heart for today! I love that He takes our “storm stories” and uses them not only to make us more like Him, but to encourage others who might need to see that there is hope in Jesus – in the process, and on the other side! Thanking God for his work in your life, and for your gift of encouragement that you share with everyone you meet!
Much love!
Whitney
Thank you so much Angela for sharing this. It comes at a time when I am going through a storm of my own. I’ve been praying that the storm would go away; but after reading your post this morning, I realize that God is using this for a greater purpose. This is going to be a difficult week for me. Please pray for me!
Storms will make us or break us. We will learn and see God’s hand…HIS provision through it all or we will complain and not see what it is that God has for us. Storms are a great opportunity for us to walk out our faith, to have the proper response so we can grow and be more like HIM…so we can model (to the best of our human ability) God’s heart. We will be refined and grow leaps and bounds in our character but only if we allow God to be God and do what HE will. HE knows what we need and HE knows what others need to see through us. Too many times we give satan credit for all the bad things that happen to us. Before we give such credit we need to step back and really evaluate and understand where our storm is coming from. God allows good and bad things to happen to people for a reason. Don’t be too quick to give credit to satan…he enjoys it way too much and will take whatever we give him. Don’t give him anything! God knows from the beginning to the end…HE knows the plan for our lives…HE has carefully mapped it out and holds it in HIS hands!
Thank you SO much for sharing your story. You had me in tears! I have been a big believer that everyone has a “story of glory,” and that it should be told so that others can be encouraged and pointed to our great God! Bless you for sharing.
(As a side note, it was cool to find out that we not only share a really awesome name, but also a few things in common! I was married to my husband through part of medical school and his residency, and I was a teacher! Now I am a stay-at-home mom to our little one while my husband is in his second year of practice. Fun!)
Thank you for sharing Angela! Like you, it took my husband and I three years to get pregnant. It was very difficult to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily and here I was, praying and praying but nothing. In the third year, God started to speak. I worked at a hospital and one of my jobs was to work with newly pregnant patients from their first drs appt up to labor. We educated them on pregnancy and baby care, etc. One of my patients was named Hannah and her name jumped at me. I just love that name. Then at church, the women’s group had a special guest speak and perform a drama and her topic: Hannah. Then the next week, our pastor preached on Hannah and Samuel. I finally got the hint and started to really study Hannah’s story. And then I saw it.., that verse in 1 Samuel where Hannah laid with her husband and GOD REMEMBERED HER. I knew that’s how God wanted me to pray. So for a month, that’s how I prayed, that God would remember me like He did Hannah and He did. I got pregnant that month and gave birth to my beautiful son on August 6, 2011. God is so good and so faithful!!
Thank you for sharing your story!
God bless you!
Marcia
I’m in the middle of the storm. I don’t know what God wants me to do. You all have lost little ones and I don’t know if I fit in here. I’ve lost my 31 yr old baby. I loved this child of mine soooo much! I can’t. . . I just can’t. I know if I let him Jesus will carry me but I feel if I allow Him to carry me I would just bury my head in His shoulder and never be able to stop crying (I’m not a cryer by nature) so this thought is alien to me. I just keep praying, and pray He hears me. I think this is all I am able to share.
I know prayers heal. . . I believe that. . . and yet how can they heal a broken heart?? I never got to tell her good-bye how can I forgive those who denied me this as a mother? How can I take care of her 3 children? How can I gain custody which without the whole story needs to happen? How can I believe when a block seems to be put up at every turn? I feel like God wants me to learn patience but Lord I feel sooooo short on that virtue.
Chris
Dearest Angela…I know firsthand that pain. I have had two mis-carriages myself, one just last year. I was blown away by some of the parallels in your story. I didn’t lose my first baby, but my fourth, however, right after I lost my baby, my sister (unmarried) announced that she was pregnant. I KNOW how you felt towards God right then. I felt the same way. I thank Him and praise Him for the grace which allowed us both to find our way out of that pain and to reach for Him instead of staying in the darkness.
Thank you for sharing your story Angela…God bless you and your beautiful family!
Chris…I cannot imagine your pain. I urge you though to release and turn to Him, the only one who can truly understand. Believe me, I know how you may be feeling angry at God and questioning His ways, His timing. I have been there myself, but you cannot rise from this without Him! Please read the Psalms for comfort and encouragement and find someone in your church or family to help you walk through this time. It is no coincidence that you read Angela’s storm story. This is your storm and God is with you in it, believe that! I am praying for you!
Thank you sweet friends for allowing me to share with you my story and for sharing yours with me. It helps to know others have walked the same path and though that doesn’t make the pain any easier, it does give us hope.
Because Jesus walked me through the pain and heartache, the experience has given me the ability to extend love, compassion and understanding now to those who are traveling it as well. 
Chris- I am praying over you today. I am so so so sorry you are going through such a heartbreaking situation. Please know that Jesus does understand and He is there to comfort you and love you through the pain. Be honest with Him and tell Him how you are feeling. It’s okay to cry…what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. But turn to Him…..lean on Him, He will carry you through this. You are loved and prayed for today. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us…..I love knowing how to pray for our community!
Much love,
Angela
Luke 8:22-56
Jesus and his disciples faced the storm that we learn about in Luke 8:22. Jesus knew the storm was at hand and yet decided to lead his disciples into the boat and out onto the water. Jesus knew that better things were yet to come.
If the disciples would have not turned to Jesus in the middle of the storm but instead turned back to where they knew it was safe,back to Capernaum, the storm would have still came about. Lets look at what wouldn’t have happened if they did lose heart and turn back.
1. One of my favorite miracles would not be. The healing of the woman with a flow of blood for 12 years. She was at the end of her rope and hope for healing. Thank you Jesus for facing the storm so you could make your way to her. What an awesome testimony .
2. A daughter was raised from the dead through faith. Many lives were changed this day as Jesus was ridiculed because they knew she was dead. Little did they know who they were speaking of.
3. Another miracle also occurred that I can’t imagine life without. It is a miracle that we teach from the youngest to the oldest. One that encourages and reminds us that Jesus is our portion and His grace is sufficient. The story of the feeding of 5,000.
Be encouraged in knowing that we do have a choice to abandon ship or to hold tight to our faith. Sometimes I know it is easier said then done. We want to turn to other things that make the storm feel more bearable but the only true savior of our storm is Christ . Weigh out your choices and line them up with God’s words, love for you and His promises before you choose to abandon ship.
Be blessed,
Stacy
Thank you for sharing Angela. I am going through this exact same storm right now. I just found out yesterday at my 10 week ultrasound as well. We were told to go home and wait for the inevitable, after being so excited to see our baby for the first time. Thanks for the message of hope. I am trying to see the blessings God has disguised for me.
God just used you in a way you can’t even know. Today I was 10 weeks, 2 days, and I went to my appt only to find out the baby had stopped developing 4 weeks ago. I am crushed beyond comprehension. I cannot stop crying and its been hours since I found out. Everyone, even the midwife keeps telling me it’s “normal”, that I can still have a successful pregnancy, but I can’t even bring myself to hope right now. I waited three years for this. I had surrendered my desire for a child to the Lord just months ago, and when I found out I was pregnant I was so sure that this was my “Samuel”. Now i feel like He has ripped my heart it two. I know He is good, but I’m finding it hard to trust in His goodness tonight. I know exactly how you felt when you said that you thought for the first time that God could be cruel. I have boxes in y living room packed, ready to move into a house. My step-kids, who we have full custody of, were so excited to be big brothers…why did He do this? I don’t know…but I know He led me to see your post just now. I want to trust Him…please pray for me. And thank you so much for sharing your story. I pray my heart will learn to trust Him again. God bless.
I had a similar storm. My husband and I were married for years without a single sign that we’d ever have a child. Tests didn’t show any problems but we never pursued fertility treatments beyond one drug. My husband said God would give us a child if we were meant to have one. I watched.For years, in pain as friends and my unmarried nieces all had children. After 12 1/2 (!) years I became pregnant. We saw a heartbeat at 6.5 weeks but I was confused as to the dating even at that point. When we reached 10 weeks we had a second exam, this time with no heartbeat. Thankfully I had a great team of friends, some of whom had experienced the same pain, guide me through. We were blessed with a beautiful, healthy daughter 2 years later, but my heart goes out to anyone who goes through the sorrow of losing a child – at any age.
Ohhh Jill and JN- I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I hurt with you tonight sweet friends!!! I understand and I’m so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing!!! I am praying for YOU tonight! You are NOT ALONE in your pain!
I would like to encourage you and share that after my first miscarriage, God has blessed me with 3 beautiful, healthy girls!
Sometimes I think we are allowed to go through heartaches in our fallen world so that we can be there for others when they go through theirs. I’m here for you!
Much love,
Angela
Angela, I could relate to your story too, although in a slightly different version. My husband and I were trying NOT to get pregnant until I finished studying Chinese the first two years we were married. Imagine our dismay when I discovered I was pregnant the second month of language school! I feared I’d never be able to learn Chinese well enough to really thrive in our chosen location if I had to care for a baby instead of studying. I secretly wished for a miscarriage, then warmed up to the idea and got excited about a baby, and then when I did miscarry at 7 weeks I felt terribly guilty! My hormones and emotions were a wreck! I had to have a DNC too and I couldn’t stop crying the whole time before they put me under. In the end, in spite of my pain and loss, I looked at it as a blessing. I was able to finish two years of language study before giving birth to my first son. In 4 years we had three beautiful kids (got pregnant really easily when we wanted to!), and I was able to share that story with a friend who was still single but needed to hear the message that even “good” people go through difficult times, and that God walks with them through it.
I myself am currently experiencing a storm. My fiancé, whom I have 2 children with and one on the way (yes we unfourtanely did not have a relationship with God when we started dating) made the mistake of having an emotional affair with another woman for the past few months. Being pregnant and chasing around 2 toddlers I completely missed all the warning signs. My inital reaction was to leave him but through prayer (lots of prayer) and this bible study I am now fighting through this storm knowing Jesus is by my side instead of running. I know that only Jesus can heal my broken heart and hopefully bring conviction to my fiancé so he will be solely comitted to me and our family. Thank you for allowing God to use you as a vessel to encourage and help others.