(If you can’t see the video, click here.)
For a little over a year my husband and I had tried to get pregnant. We had seen countless friends start having families of their own and we couldn’t wait until it was our turn. In 2005 it finally happened and we couldn’t have been more excited. I fell in love with my child instantly! At the time my husband, Dirk, and I had been married for 6 years. (we dated for 5.5 years) He was in his 2nd year of residency and I was teaching in a nearby school district. From the time the pregnancy test came back positive, I was determined to be the best mom I could possibly be. I ate all the right foods, only drank water, exercised…..you name it, if it was good for my baby I was doing it!
Weeks went by slowly and I couldn’t wait for the first appointment where I could finally see my little munchkin. The anticipated day finally arrived and I remember Dirk and I driving to the appointment chatting up a storm about what it will be like to be parents and how our lives would change.
The memory of that appointment is forever etched in my mind. I remember excitedly giving the nurse all the information she was asking, “Yes, I am 10 almost 11 weeks pregnant. Yes, this is my first pregnancy etc.” I don’t know if it was just me or not, but I felt the nurse was as giddy as I was. Finally the long awaited time came for the sonogram. I had already planned on how I was going to share the baby images with family and friends, and then it happened.
A storm began to brew.
The once excited sonogram technician became very quite. The screen that had once been turned in my direction was now turned to face only her. Then the doctor was called in. Dirk and I were informed that a heartbeat could not be found and that I would miscarry our first baby.
To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement.
As giddy and talkative as I was heading to the appointment, Dirk and I drove home in complete silence…except for the sound of my tears. I was crushed. The waves of my storm were getting larger and larger.
After a few days it was recommended that I have a D&C. I didn’t want it. The thought of choosing to have my child leave my body nearly broke my heart in two. I cried the morning of the appointment. I cried as the nurse and doctor wheeled me into the operating room and I continued to cry when it was all over.
“Why Lord? Why have you allowed this to happen to me?”
Fear began to grip my heart. I feared that something was wrong with me. I feared that I would never be able to have children.
And then the loneliness began to set in. Though I was told having a miscarriage was common, none of my personal friends had experienced one.
I felt alone in my pain.
Dirk, was also experiencing his own heartbreak. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about losing our baby, he didn’t want to talk. I found out years later that he born the guilt of our loss. For some reason, he felt just as responsible because he was a doctor. Even though he knew medically there wasn’t anything he could have done, the weight of our loss pressed down heavily on his shoulders.
I couldn’t imagine the pain of my loss getting any worse…..but it did.
One week from the day I had found out I lost my first child, my brother told my husband that he and his girlfriend were unexpectedly expecting.
And my storm of loss began to rage.
Tears, heartbreak, anger and sadness began to wash over me like crashing waves.
I felt for the first time in my life that God was cruel.
How else could you explain the timing of events? Was God not in control of everything? Then why did He allow this to happen to me?
I literally cried out to God, “Was I not hurting enough, Lord?
I remember driving on my way to work and the song, “Held” by Natalie Grant would come on……I could barely listen to it. Honestly, some days I didn’t, I just turned the radio off.
But like the disciples in Luke 8, I turned to God in my heartbreak. As strange as this may sound, I took comfort in the fact that everything that happens in my life has to first go through His hands. And if He allows this pain and heartache, then I had faith He would make something beautiful out of it.
There was reason for the pain.
I chose to remember His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8)and that Jesus sees the whole picture, where I only see a fragmented part of it.
You see, Jesus never allows us to go through a storm alone. He was right there with me. He saw every tear I cried and held me as He began to heal my heart.
And just like I said in today’s video, I believe God has a purpose for the storms we go through. As we move forward in obedience through our storms, with Jesus by our side, there are people who God wants us to reach by sharing our own “storm testimonies.” There are people on the other side of the storm who need to hear how Jesus calmed the waters or calmed His child in the midst of the raging winds and waves.
“Let’s go over to the other side of the lake.”- Jesus (Luke 8:22)
Jesus knew the storm was coming….yet He continued to get into the boat and head to the other side of the lake. Why? He knew there were lives on the other side that needed changed.
Who can you give encouragement or hope to today by sharing one of your “storm stores?” Don’t keep your testimonies to yourself, give hope and extend encouragement by sharing your stories with others!
My first child was to be born August 20th, 2005……
And as only God can, 6 years later He blessed me with my 3rd daughter on August 16th, 2011.
(Her due date was suppose to be August 20th)
Here is a picture of my sweet nephew, who is such a blessing in my life and a wonderful cousin to my girls, and my youngest daughter, Brinnley.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”- Psalm 147:3
Walk in obedience my sweet friends with Jesus through your storms. Remember, there is purpose for the storm and there are people we need to reach “on the other side of the lake.” We are not alone. Jesus is in the boat with us.
Week 8 Challenge: Record one “storm story” this week in a notebook or card and share it with someone. You never know who needs to hear your story of God’s faithfulness today!
Love God Greatly!
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KJV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NIV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NKJV B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/
NLT B&W – Luke 8 https://dl.dropbox.com/u/