My life is not turning out the way I had planned.
If you’re like me, you have a picture in your mind of what your life will be like. Who you will marry, how many kids you will have and where you will live. My dream of who I was going to marry and God’s will for who I was to marry matched up….but so far that’s the only piece.
You see, I thought I’d be a boy mom!
Yep, you read that right, a boy mom. I’m four years older than my brother and so I was like a second mom to him….. much to his protest. Poor guy. Growing up I always thought God had given me my brother, Jason, as a way to prepare me for the boys that He would one day bless me with. Boy oh, boy was I wrong on that one! Instead of boys, God has blessed me with girls…..3 sweet little girls to be exact.
I also never thought I’d become a “blogger” and actually still to this day don’t really consider myself one. I remember when blogs first came out, I was pregnant with my first daughter and someone told me about them. I remember thinking to myself, “Who would ever do that????” Ha, God seriously has a sense of humor!
I know, seriously crazy!
First, I did my phone interview and felt that it went well so before we finished we scheduled my Skype interview.
But let me be real honest with you…..I was humbled and honored by the contact, by the interest….but I was wrestling and struggling with the opportunity.
I was struggling because I didn’t feel like this was for me, at least not for now, not during this season of my life…maybe not ever. Yet, I wanted to be open to God’s plans for my life.
You see, I strive to live my life in obedience to my Lord so I decided to fervently pray over this matter and to proceed with the process until I felt my Lord say “No.”
I don’t for a second believe it is a coincidence this opportunity came to me at the same time we are doing the Proverbs 31 series together.
This past week as I was praying over whether or not I was to proceed with this opportunity, a few things were going through my mind:
- I am to bring good not harm to my husband. Proverbs 31:12- She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. My husband has a very stressful job…..a job that wears on him mentally, physically and even sometimes spiritually. My husband depends on me and when I am gone or overly busy…..it’s hard on him.
- I am called to be his helper. (Genesis 2:20) If I were to do this, how would this be helping my husband?
- Would this be something that would help or hurt my relationship with my husband, my children?
- After God and then my husband, my next priorities are my children. How would this opportunity affect them?
I was struggling because on one hand I want to live my life boldly for my Lord and for my children to see. I want to respond in faith, exercising my trust by putting my faith into action. Just last week we were reading all about trusting the Lord.
Proverbs 29:25 “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”
Have you ever noticed that sometimes it’s hard to know God’s will for your life?
I was struggling with the unknown.
I wasn’t at peace.
My mind seemed to be filled with the “What if’s”
Then the first Skype interview came and went and wasn’t able to take place, then the second Skype interview wasn’t able to happen…..both times I sat at my computer ready to go, finally the third interview was scheduled for Friday morning… then something happened.
I woke up that morning with Pink-Eye.
Seriously…….I looked like a pirate…….all I needed to say was “aye matey” and have a parrot sit on my shoulder and I could have gotten the part! My eye was swollen shut and even after cleaning it up my eye was still all puffy and well……pink!
I decided after the 3rd and final Skype attempt that this opportunity wasn’t for me and so I released it. Once I made the final decision not to go forward, I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I had complete peace with my decision.
Why did this opportunity come my way and then not be for me? I’m not really sure. From my limited perspective, I can’t see the whole picture.
What I will say is that I am excited for my friends who are going forward in the process. We are all called to play different roles in life…..some upfront and some behind the scenes…..for me personally, I’m more of a behind the scenes kinda girl anyway.
But the roles that we play in God’s story don’t matter as much as our obedience to what He is calling us to.
For me right now, in this time, at this place I am called to be a helper and partner to Dirk, a mother to my 3 small children, a blogger and friend to many and most importantly a faithful daughter to the King of kings!
I am called to be a servant and to serve……..
I love what Emily at chatting at the sky shared this week on her blog, it touched my heart…..I hope it does yours, too.
“Our souls were not made for fame. Our souls were made for the Famous One…”
Emily, I couldn’t agree with you more!
What’s important is not whether we say “yes” or “no”, what’s important is that we walk in obedience…..keeping our eyes on Jesus each step of the way………walking by faith the life that HE has planned!
Love God Greatly!